This isn't a post, i'm trying something so just ignore this haha

Avoidance is my only medicine

I'll admit it. I've been avoiding writing on here for some time now. Things just kepts getting worse and worse and writing them down would just make them too real for me to handle.

   My last post, I wish I could go back in time to that day. I'd have told Keith that it was over. I'd have walked away before I got in too deep. In fact I'd have gone back to when I met him. I'd have went back to my tent and got drunk with my friends instead.

    I forgave him. All was good for a while. Sure, it was hard enough to see him with school and that but we coped. Then his parents made him break all contact with me. I'll never understand why. We were both devastated but he didn't fight for me. If he did he never showed it. Then I started having depressing episodes on a more regular basis. I started cutting again and isolating myself from everyone. Then one night I was planning on going into town with my friends and they were meant to come pre-drinking at my house. They bailed and went to another girls house instead. That was the lonliest day I've ever had. In my room, crying, drinking and cutting and curling up in a ball screaming into my arms. I felt pain that day like i'd never felt before. It wasn't from cutting and it wasn't from the burn of the vodka either. It was internal pain.

    I had been texting one of the lads asking if he was going into town later. He's one of keiths friends. He told he was at a party near the house where all my friends were and Keith was there too. I thought Keith would understand. I'd told him before. Who else could I turn to? All I needed was a hug and someone to tell me it'd all be alright. That nothing bad would happen next. So I text him. I had to practically beg him to see me. He coudn't use his parents as an excuse this time. I thought he loved me and he'd have loved the opportuity to see me again. Wrong. He eventually agreed to meet me when I told him I was getting dropped near him and i'll come to the house if I have to.
    So he stumbled down the road calling my name drunk as can be. We hugged. Best hug ever. I needed that so much. Then he pushed me away, as far as he could and told me to stop being sad over him, to get over him, move on and find someone else. I told him it wasn't about him. I needed to see him because he's the only person I can talk to and I really needed someone. He told me to go into town and get with someone else, that he was going to get with someone later so I should do the same. I asked him why he was doing this, why was he being a jerk when all I ask is that he show me some basic human compassion. It went on like that for a while. Him pushing me away and pulling me close and pushing me away again. Saying he loved me but he hated me at the same time, but it was a different sot of hate.
   He said some hurtful things that I still can't comprehend. Why he'd say such things. The worst thing he said was that I was just a fuck from oxegen and it never should have meant anything more, that he was stupid to have let it get so serious. I walked away then but he followed me. He told me i'd be happier without him and that made me really pissed off. "Do I look fucking happy?" I screamed. "Does this look like something someone who'd happy would do?" And I showed him my cuts. He flipped. Threathened to ring my dad, my friends, anyone who could lock me up and 'fix' me. I eventually calmed him down. I'm surprised he got so mad. He thought I did it because of him. Self centered ass.
   You know what? Writing this all down is actually helping me, it's helping me realise how much of a jerk he is, i'm better off. I hate having to start a new. From the beginning. Building foundations when I know they'll most likely be torn down and i'll be left high and dry once more. What's the point?
   Every time since then whenever I go clubbing I get freaked out my any male attention. It's weird. Every guy turns into a creep. I hate it. I'm not that kind of girl. I give every guy a chance and if they made a move and I don't like them i'll set them straight nicely, not run off and go cry in the bathroom because I hate myself for not being able to cope. The only time I'm not like that is when I'm drunk but then I always end up actually meeting a creep and being to drunk to get away.  Can never win =/
   But I have met a guy. He's lovely. Truely. But I'm still afraid. I met him up with him after college a few days ago and he invited me to his friends house. He was going there and I was free till ten anyways so I went, nothing better to be doing. He kept looking at me. Like out of the blue. His friend was playing some game on the xbox and I was watching him and then he's just look over at me and I could see him out of the corner of my eye but I didn't look back. When I did he'd smile. He's keep looking my way for a few more seconds and then look back at the tv. I couldn't help but feel uneasy. It's like I don't want that kind of attention anymore. So friends we'll be. Nothing more, nothing less. I need friends. Proper friends. Then maybe when I get through all this I'll have someone left standing who'll stick by me in thick and thin. Someone who'll have already proved they can do that.

  That's enough for today. But I have way more. Alot has happened since September.

    Stay Strong Xx

Remember that fall I predicted? Came sooner than expected...

This is a copy of a thread I posted on Pretty Thin today when I needed to vent and I thought I may as well post it here too to keep this thing up to date.
Warning: This is very long haha

Right so my boyfriend was at a Debs the last day and his ex was there. She told my friend at the start of the night that she was really surprised he had a new girlfriend and that he was meant to be getting back with her(she had it in her head that if she broke up with him he'd come chasing after her and when he didn't she wasn't happy, I mean why did she break up with him so? Idiot) anyways, she told my friend that I meant nothing and was just an obstical and she basically didn't care about me and she was going to get him back. She tried him all night but he kept telling her to stop. Now all this girls friends are going out with my bf's male friends so they've a tight little keeping it in the friends type thing going on and the girls and the guys don't appriciate when the other guys find girls outside their circle, que me. So when my bf kept telling her to stop she decided to enlist the help of her friends. They told their boyfriends to keep buying my bf drinks and as he got drunker tell him to get with his ex, he still kept saying no but they kept buying him more and more drinks till he could barely stand (I met him after and I seen how drunk he was, I'm surprised he was even able to walk over to me) eventually when he was drunk enough for her plan to work she moved in and got with him. Straight after he rang me and told me straight up, he kept saying sorry and he loved me and he was an idiot and he sounded very very drunk. I was in town too so I told him I'd meet him so we could talk. He told me to break up with him, slap him, kick him or just hurt him in any way I can think of to make him feel as hurt as I must feel. He told me he doesn't know what happened, he kept telling her to stop but then the next minute he was kissing her and then he snapped back into reality pushed her away and went outside to ring me. I told him I was mad, he'd lost my trust, told him that if I was to forgive him it'd take time and he'd have to prove he meant he was sorry. He really poured his heart out to me that night. He was practically passed out, couldn't sit up for more than 5 seconds, kept losing consciousness and all the rest but that's when the truth comes out isn't it? A drunken mind speaks sober truths. He told me he was scared at how much he loved me. He said he could honestly see us being together till we're old in rocking chairs with grandchildren running around out garden. He said that the fact he thinks he's found his soul mate so young (he's 18 in november) is scary, the thought of never being single again is weird even though he doens't want any other girl, just me. He said when he's with me he can always hear his heart going 'Thud' 'Thud' 'Thud' and every kiss feels like the first. He said he's told girls h'es loved them but when he tells me it's different, and he knows now the other times weren't real love. Then he went on to tell me all the things he loves about me.

I met him twice since then, the first time I made sure he knew I was still mad and he wasn't going to get away with it that easily. The second time I told him I was still mad but less because I'd founf out that day that all his friends were betting he'd get with his ex and were trying to make it happen to win the bet and the fact that she was doing the same. I told him the odds were against him and I know people can do bad things when they're drunk, been there, bought the t-shirt. But i'm still going to be hurt and he's going to have to do alot to fix the damage he's done. So we're working it out amoung ourselves because it's our business, no one elses and I prefer it that way because when other people get involved they plant seeds of doubt which fester and ruin the best of things (happened to my last boyfriend, I didn't go a single day without someone, even if i'd never met them before, commenting on how I shouldn't be going out with this guy and eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I regret that ever since but that can't happen this time because my bf is amazing, he gets me, no one gets me! I'm a freak for goodness sake! I've barely any friends who don't think i'm crazy so never mind actually having a bf who loves me.) and my friend who told me about his ex's friend is friends with my bf's friend and he was telling my friend how he can't understand how I haven't broken up with my bf yet and my friend told him to leave it, that it's our business and she's sure I haven't just forgiven him, just that I'm not going to give up on him so easy, that we'll work it out ourselves and whatever we agree on is outr business. That's the way it should be! But nooo I get home today and I have a fb mail from some girl I've never heard of saying "Hi am apparently you know that (insert name here) cheated on you at debs, bit of advice stay away from him before he really hurts you x " That 'x' at the end pisses me off too. I bet she's one of his ex's friends who wants to get my bf back in their creepy little dating friends circle. ick.


So I posted that on PT earlier after that girl emailed me ranting about how I hate when people get involved in other peoples business. Who's she to tell me what to do? Never even heard of the girl.
I get it, what he did was wrong but everyone makes mistakes. I've always said when asked if I'd forgive a cheater that it depends on three things: 1) The severity of it, i.e how long it lasted (if it was a full on affair they can fuck off), what they did (if they had sex he can fuck off too) and if they were honestly really really really drunk i'd go easier but still wouldn't be an excuse. 2) How soon after they told me and if they told me out of their own conscience or because they knew it'd get back to me eventually and knew it'd be better coming from them and 3) What they did after. Actions speak louder than words so they really have to prove they were sorry and regain my trust.

Keith fairly fit into all 3 of those. He only kissed her and he was really drunk and I think safe to say pressured into it and he rang me straight after (I know it was straight after because just after he rang me my friend who said she'd keep an eye out for him text me saying she was sorry but she lost him and her date thinks he just saw him with his ex but they weren't too sure so i'm guessing safely he kissed her, realised what he was doing and ran off outside to ring me. He even left his debs after ringing me and passed out across the road which is where I met him.  And he's promising he'll make it up to me. He even promised to cut down on his drinking, He said drinking that much isn't work it if it makes him do stupid things like that and he doesn't want to risk losing me again so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I'll write more when I learn more because whether he sticks to his word is the important part.

Bye for now =)
xx

I told

I was at my Debs last Thursday (sept 8th) and I went with Keith. Now to anyone who didn't know us you'd think we were going out but he hadn't asked me yet. Granted he'd only broken up with his girlfriend just over a week ago I can understand why he'd didn't rush into it but he'd told me he loves me the day after we met and that was ages ago. But at my Debs, we went outside as it was way too warm outside and we tried to sneak around the side of the hotel to talk alone. The security guard stopped us the first time but as soon as he turned away we ran and hid behind a wall. We got talking and he asked me to be his girlfriend =) I was quite drunk at this stage hopwever and i'm sad that I can't really remember how he asked me, I think he said it really shyly. But of course I said yes and then he gave me a hug and that's when it all came out, It must have been the drink but I told him all about my mom and how I don't wear wristbands to cover my tan line, that the only reason I have a rediculiois tan line to cover is because I wore them constantly in the first place to cover scars. Then I told him I don't do it anymore and that I used to be depressed and I made him promise to give me lots of hugs because I don't get enough.

We met up the next day and he asked me if I remembered telling him my secret and why I never told him about my mom sooner. I told him I wanted to but it's not just something you blurt out and his reply to this made me love him even more (if that's possible), he said "True, not like you'd say "hey i'm Lisa and (here's where I braced myself for him to say "and my mom'd dead! but no, without even pausing he says this) boy have I got a story to tell you" " It might not sound like much but it really made me feel better. I don't regret telling him but I do feel guilty because he asked me if I was still depressed and I told him no but I am, just not as much as before. He kept giving me hugs to and telling me he planned to give me so many hugs I wish i'd never mentioned it. He asked questions, showed interest, wanted to know why I didn't get enough hugs, I couldn't bring myself to tell him how alone I felt and no matter how many hugs I got it wouldn't matter unless they were from the right people and those people don't do hugs...or can't.

At least now if I feel down I can tell him. I should probably tell him I still suffer bouts of depression and sometimes I get down over things that I don't understand, I have no reason and I can't explain it. Maybe then he can just be there for me till it's over, he'd do that. I can't ever tell him about my eating issues though, then he's always be trying to feed me and that would drive us apart and wouldn't help.

So over all I'm glad I confessed, I was worried he wouldn't understand. One question though, this is the second person to know (first found out, seen the cuts and knew what they were since they did it too) but this is also the second guy. I'm seeing a trend. How come I can't tell me friends who are girls? Or even the guys for that matter. The guys who know, I was in a relationship ship with both of them at some point. How come I'm able to have them know but the thought of anyone else finding out is worse than actually cutting?

They might start finding out soon though, no way am I worrying about wearing wrist bands for the rest of my life. As soon as the tan on my arms fade and the area under them doesn't stand out as much I'm stopping wearing them. If people say anything I'll tell them they're battle scars

Which is kind of true =)

xx

We're rising, we're falling

Life has ups and downs right? I can accept that. That is what keeps me going during the down parts. I know that soon everything will pick up. But howcome my ups and downs are in such close proximity? It's as if my life is bipolar!

Okay so one minute Dad's thanking me for being such a good daughter and cooking him dinner...the next he's complaining that I'm taking too long to clean out my room.

One minute Keith has a girlfriend and we can't be together, the next he's finally broken up with her but his controlling mothers making him repeat in some posh private school so now I'll only get to see him Fridays.  And worst of all is that I can't even text him on the other days since he'll be in school from 9am till 9pm.

One minute I'm thinking that I might be losing weight and I feel a bit better about myself, the next i'm scoffing down some crackers and crying to myself because I'm such a failure.

One minute my friends and I just click and I can do no wrong, the next I can't even breath without feeling like they hate me.

I just want to crawl into a very dark cave and sleep for a week, then I want keith to join me with fresh grapes and berries and we'll live on them forever and it'll be dark and I won't have anymore headaches and it won't matter what we look like as it'll be too dark to see. And we can come out at night and lie together beneath the stars and nothing will matter and no one will tell me how to live my life or what i'm doing wrong and it'll be amazing.

End of fairytale dream and I'm in my room and it's 3:45am and I planned to go to bed three hours ago and I have to get up at 10am and my head hurts and tomorrow is going to be another bad day I can tell. But I just won't eat to make up for it. Too bad I'm going to the cinema and I love cinema popcorn but I don't deserve it anyways.

White

Everythings White 



Blank

&

Empty

Alone

It's okay, I'm used to it.

Trust me.

Everything's fine.

Lies. Lies. Lies.

I know it's crazy but I feel like no one cares.

Not even me.

I don't care.

When everythings white it's easy.

No pressure.

Right?

I don't even know anymore

I'm trying. I really am. Full throttle, ready, set, GO. Wait, no, hold on, there's a problem, don't go yet, you have to wait for fuckers to twist the knife.

I just don't understand. People say things. They make promises. They plan great things and life sounds wonderful in this made up future. But in reality, these futuristic euphorias never arrive do they? We just carry on at the same speed on a boring road where nothing ever changes. "Wait! Have we driven past that tree before? I'm sure I've seen it before. Woah de javu!" Nope, we're just driving in circles, lifes on repeat!

Ever heard the ecpression - "don't worry about me, i'm used to it"
Well that's me in one sentence.

*Sigh*
I don't even know why i'm writing. I have this blog, it's pointless I suppose, I have no followers haha, I do on my other blog but that's for different things. I just needed to write. About anything. About nothing. I needed to dance do so I did it, got up and dance like a mad person till I collapsed. Needed that. I'm trying this new thing - Living for myself, not others. I'm sick of people letting me down and holding me back so you know what? Fuck them.

I'm not happy. I'm not going to say i'm depressed because I've been close to depression and this isn't it. Depression's a big word and it's thrown around too lightly and I don't want to be one of those people who says "Oh it's raining, now I'm going to be depressed all day." I'm not depressed because I'm still able to function, when your depressed you feel so mentally drained it's hard to make yourself shower in the morning never mind get out of bed in the first place.
But that's getting off topic. Moral of the post is I'm not happy, or at least I amn't most of the time. When I started writing this I was near tears, but once again people intervene, they change things, for the better or for the much much worse. This time a person changed things for the better but I know in the long run it'll lead to much much worse feelings.

Life can be good at times

Yesterday was weird. I went camping on an island with some friends but I was the only one who actually brought camping gear. In the end they stayed in a hotel but fuck that. I carried all that camping gear for miles through sand dunes and put up the tent to go camping so I was camping. They didn't want to leave me, they tried to talk me into going with them but call me stubborn, I had it in my mind that I was cammping so I was camping. Then one of them got mad, shouted at me that I was being childish and everything always had to be about me and stormed off. 

This morning I met back up with them. Was awkward with the girl who got mad but fuck it, lifes too short too worry about silly fights.When I got home I met up with Naoise. She was telling me about what happened at an 28th party the night before. She was really drunk and some how ended up going off with this guy and giving him head and her boyfriend walked over and caught her in the act. This is the girl I was talking about in my previous post, the one who doesn't deserve her boyfriend. She walks all over his heart.

The best part abput today though was Keith. I only met him about two weeks ago but fucking hell he's actually amazing. I met him today and we had a fancy fancy day. We went and got steak and pepper sauce and all the trimmings and I cooked him dinner and we drank Ame from fancy champagne glasses and set the table all nice. My Dad's gone for two weeks see so I had the house to myself. It's the little things about him. I don't even have to try. I'd say something random and weird and he'd just laugh and tell me he loves me. I can actually be myself around him. I didn't want him to leave but his Mom wanted him home to get his suit ect ready for the races tomorrow. That's one thing I want to tell him about, my Mom. I just don't know how to bring it up in conversation and the longer I leave it the harder it is. I  keep talking about her and then about my Dad's girlfriend but he won't ask where she is, if they got divorced ect. If he did it'd be so much easier.

I have a job interview tomorrow so I really should go to sleep. Fingers crossed I get it.

Material Girl

  You could call it a fear.

                                                I don't want my life to be measured on what I own.

     I want it to be measured in how far I've come.


Where I've been.

                                                                   Who I've met.                   
                                                                                     And influenced.

What I've done.

                                       Not what I've got.


I'd like to believe I've learnt a lesson.

                                         A hard lesson.

                                                    That there are more important things in life.
                                                                                                                             
                                                                         Than stuff.


I've learnt that the important things.

                                                                    The things we must fight to protect.


Those

Are

Irreplaceable 

Is there something on my face?

What is it about me that screams "Hey! Please come into my life, mean something to me and then just as I start to feel secure and remotely happy run off and leave me vulnerable. Let me begin to trust you and tell you things i've held so close for so many years only to have them thrown back in your face like they mean nothing. Tell me you love me and let me love you back before telling me to forget all about you." What is it about me that I always end up hurt and alone at the end of the day.

Yesterday everything was starting to look up.

 But then today

The guy I love (I don't know why I love him, he told me he loved me first, planted the notion in my head. I didn't want to love him.  I've learnt that love only leads to hurt but for some reason I began to trust him, my bad) told me he had to get back with his girlfriend because she's very important in his group of friends and apparently they'll all turn their backs on him if he won't get back with her.

So that's the backstory, here's my observation

I met a friend who was with her boyfriend the entire time (despite making a big deal about wanting to meet me ) and she kept treating him like shit. First it was little things like her hands were full and so when her phone rang rather than gentle give him something to hold for her she practically threw stuff at him. Then she wanted to get ice cream and dragged him off to help her get it but rather than stay with him she left him to buy it alone and came back to the group complaining the shop was too hot.I can't really describe how badly she treats him but all his friends say it too. She recently told him she wanted an open relationship so she can get with other people but not cheat on him. Thats just not right.

And the message is

How come a bitch like her has a boyfriend? And it's not just her, I see it all the time. Girls who demand their boyfriends not to talk to other girls. Girls who take their hoodies without even asking if they'll be cold themselves without it. Girls who are complete air heads and give girls a bad name.

How come bitches like that can get a nice guy but I keep reeling in jerks. Seriously, If I could begin to describe my past guys you'd be very surprised that someone could be that unfortunate to meet three guys who've done practically the same thing to me. When the same thing happends over and over again you have to wonder, maybe it's not them.

Maybe it's me.

But then I think

If I had a boyfriend I'd treat him how I would want to me treated. I'd never keep him from his friends. I'd never take his clothes (or any of his belongings for that matter). I'd make time for him, alone time, where we'd go on romantic type dates and actually talk to eachother. I'd share my interests and hobbies with him, my dreams and hopes for the future and in return yearn the same from him. I'd play soccer with him, even if I sucked. I'd try learn about his favourite sports, even if it bored my socks off. I'd take him to places I love, my alone places, because I wouldn't want to be there alone anymore when I could be there with him. I'd never expect anything from him and I'd love him for whatever he does.

 I'd love him like tomorrow was my last.