I'll admit it. I've been avoiding writing on here for some time now. Things just kepts getting worse and worse and writing them down would just make them too real for me to handle.
My last post, I wish I could go back in time to that day. I'd have told Keith that it was over. I'd have walked away before I got in too deep. In fact I'd have gone back to when I met him. I'd have went back to my tent and got drunk with my friends instead.
I forgave him. All was good for a while. Sure, it was hard enough to see him with school and that but we coped. Then his parents made him break all contact with me. I'll never understand why. We were both devastated but he didn't fight for me. If he did he never showed it. Then I started having depressing episodes on a more regular basis. I started cutting again and isolating myself from everyone. Then one night I was planning on going into town with my friends and they were meant to come pre-drinking at my house. They bailed and went to another girls house instead. That was the lonliest day I've ever had. In my room, crying, drinking and cutting and curling up in a ball screaming into my arms. I felt pain that day like i'd never felt before. It wasn't from cutting and it wasn't from the burn of the vodka either. It was internal pain.
I had been texting one of the lads asking if he was going into town later. He's one of keiths friends. He told he was at a party near the house where all my friends were and Keith was there too. I thought Keith would understand. I'd told him before. Who else could I turn to? All I needed was a hug and someone to tell me it'd all be alright. That nothing bad would happen next. So I text him. I had to practically beg him to see me. He coudn't use his parents as an excuse this time. I thought he loved me and he'd have loved the opportuity to see me again. Wrong. He eventually agreed to meet me when I told him I was getting dropped near him and i'll come to the house if I have to.
So he stumbled down the road calling my name drunk as can be. We hugged. Best hug ever. I needed that so much. Then he pushed me away, as far as he could and told me to stop being sad over him, to get over him, move on and find someone else. I told him it wasn't about him. I needed to see him because he's the only person I can talk to and I really needed someone. He told me to go into town and get with someone else, that he was going to get with someone later so I should do the same. I asked him why he was doing this, why was he being a jerk when all I ask is that he show me some basic human compassion. It went on like that for a while. Him pushing me away and pulling me close and pushing me away again. Saying he loved me but he hated me at the same time, but it was a different sot of hate.
He said some hurtful things that I still can't comprehend. Why he'd say such things. The worst thing he said was that I was just a fuck from oxegen and it never should have meant anything more, that he was stupid to have let it get so serious. I walked away then but he followed me. He told me i'd be happier without him and that made me really pissed off. "Do I look fucking happy?" I screamed. "Does this look like something someone who'd happy would do?" And I showed him my cuts. He flipped. Threathened to ring my dad, my friends, anyone who could lock me up and 'fix' me. I eventually calmed him down. I'm surprised he got so mad. He thought I did it because of him. Self centered ass.
You know what? Writing this all down is actually helping me, it's helping me realise how much of a jerk he is, i'm better off. I hate having to start a new. From the beginning. Building foundations when I know they'll most likely be torn down and i'll be left high and dry once more. What's the point?
Every time since then whenever I go clubbing I get freaked out my any male attention. It's weird. Every guy turns into a creep. I hate it. I'm not that kind of girl. I give every guy a chance and if they made a move and I don't like them i'll set them straight nicely, not run off and go cry in the bathroom because I hate myself for not being able to cope. The only time I'm not like that is when I'm drunk but then I always end up actually meeting a creep and being to drunk to get away. Can never win =/
But I have met a guy. He's lovely. Truely. But I'm still afraid. I met him up with him after college a few days ago and he invited me to his friends house. He was going there and I was free till ten anyways so I went, nothing better to be doing. He kept looking at me. Like out of the blue. His friend was playing some game on the xbox and I was watching him and then he's just look over at me and I could see him out of the corner of my eye but I didn't look back. When I did he'd smile. He's keep looking my way for a few more seconds and then look back at the tv. I couldn't help but feel uneasy. It's like I don't want that kind of attention anymore. So friends we'll be. Nothing more, nothing less. I need friends. Proper friends. Then maybe when I get through all this I'll have someone left standing who'll stick by me in thick and thin. Someone who'll have already proved they can do that.
That's enough for today. But I have way more. Alot has happened since September.
Stay Strong Xx
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