I told

I was at my Debs last Thursday (sept 8th) and I went with Keith. Now to anyone who didn't know us you'd think we were going out but he hadn't asked me yet. Granted he'd only broken up with his girlfriend just over a week ago I can understand why he'd didn't rush into it but he'd told me he loves me the day after we met and that was ages ago. But at my Debs, we went outside as it was way too warm outside and we tried to sneak around the side of the hotel to talk alone. The security guard stopped us the first time but as soon as he turned away we ran and hid behind a wall. We got talking and he asked me to be his girlfriend =) I was quite drunk at this stage hopwever and i'm sad that I can't really remember how he asked me, I think he said it really shyly. But of course I said yes and then he gave me a hug and that's when it all came out, It must have been the drink but I told him all about my mom and how I don't wear wristbands to cover my tan line, that the only reason I have a rediculiois tan line to cover is because I wore them constantly in the first place to cover scars. Then I told him I don't do it anymore and that I used to be depressed and I made him promise to give me lots of hugs because I don't get enough.

We met up the next day and he asked me if I remembered telling him my secret and why I never told him about my mom sooner. I told him I wanted to but it's not just something you blurt out and his reply to this made me love him even more (if that's possible), he said "True, not like you'd say "hey i'm Lisa and (here's where I braced myself for him to say "and my mom'd dead! but no, without even pausing he says this) boy have I got a story to tell you" " It might not sound like much but it really made me feel better. I don't regret telling him but I do feel guilty because he asked me if I was still depressed and I told him no but I am, just not as much as before. He kept giving me hugs to and telling me he planned to give me so many hugs I wish i'd never mentioned it. He asked questions, showed interest, wanted to know why I didn't get enough hugs, I couldn't bring myself to tell him how alone I felt and no matter how many hugs I got it wouldn't matter unless they were from the right people and those people don't do hugs...or can't.

At least now if I feel down I can tell him. I should probably tell him I still suffer bouts of depression and sometimes I get down over things that I don't understand, I have no reason and I can't explain it. Maybe then he can just be there for me till it's over, he'd do that. I can't ever tell him about my eating issues though, then he's always be trying to feed me and that would drive us apart and wouldn't help.

So over all I'm glad I confessed, I was worried he wouldn't understand. One question though, this is the second person to know (first found out, seen the cuts and knew what they were since they did it too) but this is also the second guy. I'm seeing a trend. How come I can't tell me friends who are girls? Or even the guys for that matter. The guys who know, I was in a relationship ship with both of them at some point. How come I'm able to have them know but the thought of anyone else finding out is worse than actually cutting?

They might start finding out soon though, no way am I worrying about wearing wrist bands for the rest of my life. As soon as the tan on my arms fade and the area under them doesn't stand out as much I'm stopping wearing them. If people say anything I'll tell them they're battle scars

Which is kind of true =)

xx