Remember that fall I predicted? Came sooner than expected...

This is a copy of a thread I posted on Pretty Thin today when I needed to vent and I thought I may as well post it here too to keep this thing up to date.
Warning: This is very long haha

Right so my boyfriend was at a Debs the last day and his ex was there. She told my friend at the start of the night that she was really surprised he had a new girlfriend and that he was meant to be getting back with her(she had it in her head that if she broke up with him he'd come chasing after her and when he didn't she wasn't happy, I mean why did she break up with him so? Idiot) anyways, she told my friend that I meant nothing and was just an obstical and she basically didn't care about me and she was going to get him back. She tried him all night but he kept telling her to stop. Now all this girls friends are going out with my bf's male friends so they've a tight little keeping it in the friends type thing going on and the girls and the guys don't appriciate when the other guys find girls outside their circle, que me. So when my bf kept telling her to stop she decided to enlist the help of her friends. They told their boyfriends to keep buying my bf drinks and as he got drunker tell him to get with his ex, he still kept saying no but they kept buying him more and more drinks till he could barely stand (I met him after and I seen how drunk he was, I'm surprised he was even able to walk over to me) eventually when he was drunk enough for her plan to work she moved in and got with him. Straight after he rang me and told me straight up, he kept saying sorry and he loved me and he was an idiot and he sounded very very drunk. I was in town too so I told him I'd meet him so we could talk. He told me to break up with him, slap him, kick him or just hurt him in any way I can think of to make him feel as hurt as I must feel. He told me he doesn't know what happened, he kept telling her to stop but then the next minute he was kissing her and then he snapped back into reality pushed her away and went outside to ring me. I told him I was mad, he'd lost my trust, told him that if I was to forgive him it'd take time and he'd have to prove he meant he was sorry. He really poured his heart out to me that night. He was practically passed out, couldn't sit up for more than 5 seconds, kept losing consciousness and all the rest but that's when the truth comes out isn't it? A drunken mind speaks sober truths. He told me he was scared at how much he loved me. He said he could honestly see us being together till we're old in rocking chairs with grandchildren running around out garden. He said that the fact he thinks he's found his soul mate so young (he's 18 in november) is scary, the thought of never being single again is weird even though he doens't want any other girl, just me. He said when he's with me he can always hear his heart going 'Thud' 'Thud' 'Thud' and every kiss feels like the first. He said he's told girls h'es loved them but when he tells me it's different, and he knows now the other times weren't real love. Then he went on to tell me all the things he loves about me.

I met him twice since then, the first time I made sure he knew I was still mad and he wasn't going to get away with it that easily. The second time I told him I was still mad but less because I'd founf out that day that all his friends were betting he'd get with his ex and were trying to make it happen to win the bet and the fact that she was doing the same. I told him the odds were against him and I know people can do bad things when they're drunk, been there, bought the t-shirt. But i'm still going to be hurt and he's going to have to do alot to fix the damage he's done. So we're working it out amoung ourselves because it's our business, no one elses and I prefer it that way because when other people get involved they plant seeds of doubt which fester and ruin the best of things (happened to my last boyfriend, I didn't go a single day without someone, even if i'd never met them before, commenting on how I shouldn't be going out with this guy and eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I regret that ever since but that can't happen this time because my bf is amazing, he gets me, no one gets me! I'm a freak for goodness sake! I've barely any friends who don't think i'm crazy so never mind actually having a bf who loves me.) and my friend who told me about his ex's friend is friends with my bf's friend and he was telling my friend how he can't understand how I haven't broken up with my bf yet and my friend told him to leave it, that it's our business and she's sure I haven't just forgiven him, just that I'm not going to give up on him so easy, that we'll work it out ourselves and whatever we agree on is outr business. That's the way it should be! But nooo I get home today and I have a fb mail from some girl I've never heard of saying "Hi am apparently you know that (insert name here) cheated on you at debs, bit of advice stay away from him before he really hurts you x " That 'x' at the end pisses me off too. I bet she's one of his ex's friends who wants to get my bf back in their creepy little dating friends circle. ick.


So I posted that on PT earlier after that girl emailed me ranting about how I hate when people get involved in other peoples business. Who's she to tell me what to do? Never even heard of the girl.
I get it, what he did was wrong but everyone makes mistakes. I've always said when asked if I'd forgive a cheater that it depends on three things: 1) The severity of it, i.e how long it lasted (if it was a full on affair they can fuck off), what they did (if they had sex he can fuck off too) and if they were honestly really really really drunk i'd go easier but still wouldn't be an excuse. 2) How soon after they told me and if they told me out of their own conscience or because they knew it'd get back to me eventually and knew it'd be better coming from them and 3) What they did after. Actions speak louder than words so they really have to prove they were sorry and regain my trust.

Keith fairly fit into all 3 of those. He only kissed her and he was really drunk and I think safe to say pressured into it and he rang me straight after (I know it was straight after because just after he rang me my friend who said she'd keep an eye out for him text me saying she was sorry but she lost him and her date thinks he just saw him with his ex but they weren't too sure so i'm guessing safely he kissed her, realised what he was doing and ran off outside to ring me. He even left his debs after ringing me and passed out across the road which is where I met him.  And he's promising he'll make it up to me. He even promised to cut down on his drinking, He said drinking that much isn't work it if it makes him do stupid things like that and he doesn't want to risk losing me again so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I'll write more when I learn more because whether he sticks to his word is the important part.

Bye for now =)
xx

I told

I was at my Debs last Thursday (sept 8th) and I went with Keith. Now to anyone who didn't know us you'd think we were going out but he hadn't asked me yet. Granted he'd only broken up with his girlfriend just over a week ago I can understand why he'd didn't rush into it but he'd told me he loves me the day after we met and that was ages ago. But at my Debs, we went outside as it was way too warm outside and we tried to sneak around the side of the hotel to talk alone. The security guard stopped us the first time but as soon as he turned away we ran and hid behind a wall. We got talking and he asked me to be his girlfriend =) I was quite drunk at this stage hopwever and i'm sad that I can't really remember how he asked me, I think he said it really shyly. But of course I said yes and then he gave me a hug and that's when it all came out, It must have been the drink but I told him all about my mom and how I don't wear wristbands to cover my tan line, that the only reason I have a rediculiois tan line to cover is because I wore them constantly in the first place to cover scars. Then I told him I don't do it anymore and that I used to be depressed and I made him promise to give me lots of hugs because I don't get enough.

We met up the next day and he asked me if I remembered telling him my secret and why I never told him about my mom sooner. I told him I wanted to but it's not just something you blurt out and his reply to this made me love him even more (if that's possible), he said "True, not like you'd say "hey i'm Lisa and (here's where I braced myself for him to say "and my mom'd dead! but no, without even pausing he says this) boy have I got a story to tell you" " It might not sound like much but it really made me feel better. I don't regret telling him but I do feel guilty because he asked me if I was still depressed and I told him no but I am, just not as much as before. He kept giving me hugs to and telling me he planned to give me so many hugs I wish i'd never mentioned it. He asked questions, showed interest, wanted to know why I didn't get enough hugs, I couldn't bring myself to tell him how alone I felt and no matter how many hugs I got it wouldn't matter unless they were from the right people and those people don't do hugs...or can't.

At least now if I feel down I can tell him. I should probably tell him I still suffer bouts of depression and sometimes I get down over things that I don't understand, I have no reason and I can't explain it. Maybe then he can just be there for me till it's over, he'd do that. I can't ever tell him about my eating issues though, then he's always be trying to feed me and that would drive us apart and wouldn't help.

So over all I'm glad I confessed, I was worried he wouldn't understand. One question though, this is the second person to know (first found out, seen the cuts and knew what they were since they did it too) but this is also the second guy. I'm seeing a trend. How come I can't tell me friends who are girls? Or even the guys for that matter. The guys who know, I was in a relationship ship with both of them at some point. How come I'm able to have them know but the thought of anyone else finding out is worse than actually cutting?

They might start finding out soon though, no way am I worrying about wearing wrist bands for the rest of my life. As soon as the tan on my arms fade and the area under them doesn't stand out as much I'm stopping wearing them. If people say anything I'll tell them they're battle scars

Which is kind of true =)

xx

We're rising, we're falling

Life has ups and downs right? I can accept that. That is what keeps me going during the down parts. I know that soon everything will pick up. But howcome my ups and downs are in such close proximity? It's as if my life is bipolar!

Okay so one minute Dad's thanking me for being such a good daughter and cooking him dinner...the next he's complaining that I'm taking too long to clean out my room.

One minute Keith has a girlfriend and we can't be together, the next he's finally broken up with her but his controlling mothers making him repeat in some posh private school so now I'll only get to see him Fridays.  And worst of all is that I can't even text him on the other days since he'll be in school from 9am till 9pm.

One minute I'm thinking that I might be losing weight and I feel a bit better about myself, the next i'm scoffing down some crackers and crying to myself because I'm such a failure.

One minute my friends and I just click and I can do no wrong, the next I can't even breath without feeling like they hate me.

I just want to crawl into a very dark cave and sleep for a week, then I want keith to join me with fresh grapes and berries and we'll live on them forever and it'll be dark and I won't have anymore headaches and it won't matter what we look like as it'll be too dark to see. And we can come out at night and lie together beneath the stars and nothing will matter and no one will tell me how to live my life or what i'm doing wrong and it'll be amazing.

End of fairytale dream and I'm in my room and it's 3:45am and I planned to go to bed three hours ago and I have to get up at 10am and my head hurts and tomorrow is going to be another bad day I can tell. But I just won't eat to make up for it. Too bad I'm going to the cinema and I love cinema popcorn but I don't deserve it anyways.