..and then we kissed.

So I'm still in a downward spiral when it comes to life in general.

Last week I missed my first lab and now I've missed one lab for each subject. I spent more time in a bed this week than out of one. But my Dad was away and as they say, the cat will play.

Kevin stayed over with some of the girls on Monday (to be honest I don't remember how much I've mentioned him on here but we're good friends, we get on like a house on fire).
Anyways, so he stayed in my bed which isn't abnormal, I've stayed in his house and slept in his bed a few times but it's just for sleeping.
But somehow we ended up kissing when he stayed over. He was kissing my neck and my cheek (this was at about 4 in the morning and we both couldn't sleep I suppose). I didn't kiss him back for ages, just lay there content but I did turn to him eventually and gave him a little peck. Nothing major. Then he said "About time I finally got to kiss my wife". We've a joke where we pretend we're going to get married because everyone should marry there best friend and he always goes on about how i'd make the perfect wife because I love chicken as much as he does and a bunch of other stuff.
He stayed over the next night too then. My brother was home so we had to be quiet. He's kill me if he knew I'd a guy staying over haha. It was really funny actually. We just lay in bed playing online games and looking at puppies for sale (and other similarly random stuff) and it was nice. It really was.
Then the next day my brother text me saying he wouldn't be home that night so he stayed yet another night haha. At least without my brother home we could talk out loud.

When we did leave the house over those few days, anyone we met instantly knew we'd kissed. There was no hiding it. Funny thing was all of them said "Well it's about time". Everyone, and I mean everyone has been hoping and waiting for it to happen for ages apparently. Kevins best friend was even practically begging him to just go for it with me already. So we haven't told him yet. He'll find out at a house party Kevin is throwing next week and his face will be priceless when he finds out he's last to know. We're evil people. We're even going to give my camera to someone at the party to take a picture of his face when we tell him.

Now the tricky part. I've know Kevin since I was 15/16. But a year after I met him, a girl in my class who I seem to be on and off friends with met him and they starting going out almost straight away. They broke up last Summer and she kept stringing him on for months. Only a few months ago did he realise what she's been doing and how much she's been lying to him and everyone and has said he'd never get back with her after seeing this other side to her. But she's the kind of person to hold things dear to her heart and I know she'll always have a place for Kevin in her heart even if she's told me hundreds of times they'll never get back together, she'll never let that happen.
And I never, and I mean NEVER understood the first dibs rule. The you can't date friends ex's rule. If one of my friends went off with one of my ex's I wouldn't care. If we'd broken up and there was no hope at repair then by all means have a go at him yourself. Just because he wasn't right for me doesn't mean I should stop you from having a whirl. I just don't get it.

So now I'm not sure where I'm at.

(edit: She is now officially going out with a new guy? Does that make things any better?)

Xx

Fucking up has never felt so good.

If I was to look at my life from an outside perspective i'd be worried. My life is fairly going downhill fast.

I'm doing shit in college. Missing lectures. Falling behind and I even missed a mandatory lab today. If I miss two more I'll be failed automatically.

Lying to friends and family about my where I am and what i'm doing.

Spending way too much money.

Taking drugs every weekend, sometimes twice. And now even on weeknights.

I've lost so much weight in the last month it's crazy. I've lost my appetite. I physically can't eat some days.

But I love it. I'm having so much fun. Every day I tell myself I'll go home early and get a good nights sleep but then I end up fucking around till 10 or 11 at night smoking and just having a laugh with my friends.
I keep forgetting to text my other friends. They think I'm trying to shut them out but I'm not doing any of this on purpose. My Dad keeps asking me where I'm getting food from, how I can afford to eat out every day, where I'm sleeping the nights I stay out. How I'm keeping up with my colege work and god forbid he finds out I lied about where I really was and I get caught out.
He's going away next week and I know I'll probably never come home. It's going to be so hard to make my lectures without him here to wake me up. I'm having enough trouble sleeping at a reasonable hour, It'll only get worse now he won't be here to make me go to bed.

But I don't know where to start fixing things. I lied to a friend yesterday and got fairly caught up in a load of lies after she rang my house looking for me when I said I was at home and I really wasn't. She's going to kill me when she sees me tomorrow, I don't even know what I'll tell her.

I lied because I got offered a good night and free drugs.
I know I'm getting into a lot of unneeded shit but fuck me it's just what I needed.

Here's what happens. I wake up and I think about  how good the day could be. I think of all the things I could get done and then I get up and start to do them. Then I ring Kevin and we end up meeting up. Then we find out someone has a free house and we make a few phone calls and before I know it we're in some house, with a load of drugs and my plans for the day are a distant memory. We take the drugs and I get to talk. They make me talk like I've really needed to for so long. I've gotten so much off my chest these past few weeks that I know once I stop this madness I'll be better off because all my pent up issues will have been released and shared. Or will I?

At the start I said I'd only do them every so often. But then opportunities to go out and get fucked kept coming up. Then I said no more than once a week on the weekends. I took pills last friday and saturday and did lines last night. That's 3 times and the week isn't even over yet.

I know I'm fucking up but boy am I having fun doing it.

Xx