..and then we kissed.

So I'm still in a downward spiral when it comes to life in general.

Last week I missed my first lab and now I've missed one lab for each subject. I spent more time in a bed this week than out of one. But my Dad was away and as they say, the cat will play.

Kevin stayed over with some of the girls on Monday (to be honest I don't remember how much I've mentioned him on here but we're good friends, we get on like a house on fire).
Anyways, so he stayed in my bed which isn't abnormal, I've stayed in his house and slept in his bed a few times but it's just for sleeping.
But somehow we ended up kissing when he stayed over. He was kissing my neck and my cheek (this was at about 4 in the morning and we both couldn't sleep I suppose). I didn't kiss him back for ages, just lay there content but I did turn to him eventually and gave him a little peck. Nothing major. Then he said "About time I finally got to kiss my wife". We've a joke where we pretend we're going to get married because everyone should marry there best friend and he always goes on about how i'd make the perfect wife because I love chicken as much as he does and a bunch of other stuff.
He stayed over the next night too then. My brother was home so we had to be quiet. He's kill me if he knew I'd a guy staying over haha. It was really funny actually. We just lay in bed playing online games and looking at puppies for sale (and other similarly random stuff) and it was nice. It really was.
Then the next day my brother text me saying he wouldn't be home that night so he stayed yet another night haha. At least without my brother home we could talk out loud.

When we did leave the house over those few days, anyone we met instantly knew we'd kissed. There was no hiding it. Funny thing was all of them said "Well it's about time". Everyone, and I mean everyone has been hoping and waiting for it to happen for ages apparently. Kevins best friend was even practically begging him to just go for it with me already. So we haven't told him yet. He'll find out at a house party Kevin is throwing next week and his face will be priceless when he finds out he's last to know. We're evil people. We're even going to give my camera to someone at the party to take a picture of his face when we tell him.

Now the tricky part. I've know Kevin since I was 15/16. But a year after I met him, a girl in my class who I seem to be on and off friends with met him and they starting going out almost straight away. They broke up last Summer and she kept stringing him on for months. Only a few months ago did he realise what she's been doing and how much she's been lying to him and everyone and has said he'd never get back with her after seeing this other side to her. But she's the kind of person to hold things dear to her heart and I know she'll always have a place for Kevin in her heart even if she's told me hundreds of times they'll never get back together, she'll never let that happen.
And I never, and I mean NEVER understood the first dibs rule. The you can't date friends ex's rule. If one of my friends went off with one of my ex's I wouldn't care. If we'd broken up and there was no hope at repair then by all means have a go at him yourself. Just because he wasn't right for me doesn't mean I should stop you from having a whirl. I just don't get it.

So now I'm not sure where I'm at.

(edit: She is now officially going out with a new guy? Does that make things any better?)

Xx

Fucking up has never felt so good.

If I was to look at my life from an outside perspective i'd be worried. My life is fairly going downhill fast.

I'm doing shit in college. Missing lectures. Falling behind and I even missed a mandatory lab today. If I miss two more I'll be failed automatically.

Lying to friends and family about my where I am and what i'm doing.

Spending way too much money.

Taking drugs every weekend, sometimes twice. And now even on weeknights.

I've lost so much weight in the last month it's crazy. I've lost my appetite. I physically can't eat some days.

But I love it. I'm having so much fun. Every day I tell myself I'll go home early and get a good nights sleep but then I end up fucking around till 10 or 11 at night smoking and just having a laugh with my friends.
I keep forgetting to text my other friends. They think I'm trying to shut them out but I'm not doing any of this on purpose. My Dad keeps asking me where I'm getting food from, how I can afford to eat out every day, where I'm sleeping the nights I stay out. How I'm keeping up with my colege work and god forbid he finds out I lied about where I really was and I get caught out.
He's going away next week and I know I'll probably never come home. It's going to be so hard to make my lectures without him here to wake me up. I'm having enough trouble sleeping at a reasonable hour, It'll only get worse now he won't be here to make me go to bed.

But I don't know where to start fixing things. I lied to a friend yesterday and got fairly caught up in a load of lies after she rang my house looking for me when I said I was at home and I really wasn't. She's going to kill me when she sees me tomorrow, I don't even know what I'll tell her.

I lied because I got offered a good night and free drugs.
I know I'm getting into a lot of unneeded shit but fuck me it's just what I needed.

Here's what happens. I wake up and I think about  how good the day could be. I think of all the things I could get done and then I get up and start to do them. Then I ring Kevin and we end up meeting up. Then we find out someone has a free house and we make a few phone calls and before I know it we're in some house, with a load of drugs and my plans for the day are a distant memory. We take the drugs and I get to talk. They make me talk like I've really needed to for so long. I've gotten so much off my chest these past few weeks that I know once I stop this madness I'll be better off because all my pent up issues will have been released and shared. Or will I?

At the start I said I'd only do them every so often. But then opportunities to go out and get fucked kept coming up. Then I said no more than once a week on the weekends. I took pills last friday and saturday and did lines last night. That's 3 times and the week isn't even over yet.

I know I'm fucking up but boy am I having fun doing it.

Xx

This isn't a post, i'm trying something so just ignore this haha

Avoidance is my only medicine

I'll admit it. I've been avoiding writing on here for some time now. Things just kepts getting worse and worse and writing them down would just make them too real for me to handle.

   My last post, I wish I could go back in time to that day. I'd have told Keith that it was over. I'd have walked away before I got in too deep. In fact I'd have gone back to when I met him. I'd have went back to my tent and got drunk with my friends instead.

    I forgave him. All was good for a while. Sure, it was hard enough to see him with school and that but we coped. Then his parents made him break all contact with me. I'll never understand why. We were both devastated but he didn't fight for me. If he did he never showed it. Then I started having depressing episodes on a more regular basis. I started cutting again and isolating myself from everyone. Then one night I was planning on going into town with my friends and they were meant to come pre-drinking at my house. They bailed and went to another girls house instead. That was the lonliest day I've ever had. In my room, crying, drinking and cutting and curling up in a ball screaming into my arms. I felt pain that day like i'd never felt before. It wasn't from cutting and it wasn't from the burn of the vodka either. It was internal pain.

    I had been texting one of the lads asking if he was going into town later. He's one of keiths friends. He told he was at a party near the house where all my friends were and Keith was there too. I thought Keith would understand. I'd told him before. Who else could I turn to? All I needed was a hug and someone to tell me it'd all be alright. That nothing bad would happen next. So I text him. I had to practically beg him to see me. He coudn't use his parents as an excuse this time. I thought he loved me and he'd have loved the opportuity to see me again. Wrong. He eventually agreed to meet me when I told him I was getting dropped near him and i'll come to the house if I have to.
    So he stumbled down the road calling my name drunk as can be. We hugged. Best hug ever. I needed that so much. Then he pushed me away, as far as he could and told me to stop being sad over him, to get over him, move on and find someone else. I told him it wasn't about him. I needed to see him because he's the only person I can talk to and I really needed someone. He told me to go into town and get with someone else, that he was going to get with someone later so I should do the same. I asked him why he was doing this, why was he being a jerk when all I ask is that he show me some basic human compassion. It went on like that for a while. Him pushing me away and pulling me close and pushing me away again. Saying he loved me but he hated me at the same time, but it was a different sot of hate.
   He said some hurtful things that I still can't comprehend. Why he'd say such things. The worst thing he said was that I was just a fuck from oxegen and it never should have meant anything more, that he was stupid to have let it get so serious. I walked away then but he followed me. He told me i'd be happier without him and that made me really pissed off. "Do I look fucking happy?" I screamed. "Does this look like something someone who'd happy would do?" And I showed him my cuts. He flipped. Threathened to ring my dad, my friends, anyone who could lock me up and 'fix' me. I eventually calmed him down. I'm surprised he got so mad. He thought I did it because of him. Self centered ass.
   You know what? Writing this all down is actually helping me, it's helping me realise how much of a jerk he is, i'm better off. I hate having to start a new. From the beginning. Building foundations when I know they'll most likely be torn down and i'll be left high and dry once more. What's the point?
   Every time since then whenever I go clubbing I get freaked out my any male attention. It's weird. Every guy turns into a creep. I hate it. I'm not that kind of girl. I give every guy a chance and if they made a move and I don't like them i'll set them straight nicely, not run off and go cry in the bathroom because I hate myself for not being able to cope. The only time I'm not like that is when I'm drunk but then I always end up actually meeting a creep and being to drunk to get away.  Can never win =/
   But I have met a guy. He's lovely. Truely. But I'm still afraid. I met him up with him after college a few days ago and he invited me to his friends house. He was going there and I was free till ten anyways so I went, nothing better to be doing. He kept looking at me. Like out of the blue. His friend was playing some game on the xbox and I was watching him and then he's just look over at me and I could see him out of the corner of my eye but I didn't look back. When I did he'd smile. He's keep looking my way for a few more seconds and then look back at the tv. I couldn't help but feel uneasy. It's like I don't want that kind of attention anymore. So friends we'll be. Nothing more, nothing less. I need friends. Proper friends. Then maybe when I get through all this I'll have someone left standing who'll stick by me in thick and thin. Someone who'll have already proved they can do that.

  That's enough for today. But I have way more. Alot has happened since September.

    Stay Strong Xx

Remember that fall I predicted? Came sooner than expected...

This is a copy of a thread I posted on Pretty Thin today when I needed to vent and I thought I may as well post it here too to keep this thing up to date.
Warning: This is very long haha

Right so my boyfriend was at a Debs the last day and his ex was there. She told my friend at the start of the night that she was really surprised he had a new girlfriend and that he was meant to be getting back with her(she had it in her head that if she broke up with him he'd come chasing after her and when he didn't she wasn't happy, I mean why did she break up with him so? Idiot) anyways, she told my friend that I meant nothing and was just an obstical and she basically didn't care about me and she was going to get him back. She tried him all night but he kept telling her to stop. Now all this girls friends are going out with my bf's male friends so they've a tight little keeping it in the friends type thing going on and the girls and the guys don't appriciate when the other guys find girls outside their circle, que me. So when my bf kept telling her to stop she decided to enlist the help of her friends. They told their boyfriends to keep buying my bf drinks and as he got drunker tell him to get with his ex, he still kept saying no but they kept buying him more and more drinks till he could barely stand (I met him after and I seen how drunk he was, I'm surprised he was even able to walk over to me) eventually when he was drunk enough for her plan to work she moved in and got with him. Straight after he rang me and told me straight up, he kept saying sorry and he loved me and he was an idiot and he sounded very very drunk. I was in town too so I told him I'd meet him so we could talk. He told me to break up with him, slap him, kick him or just hurt him in any way I can think of to make him feel as hurt as I must feel. He told me he doesn't know what happened, he kept telling her to stop but then the next minute he was kissing her and then he snapped back into reality pushed her away and went outside to ring me. I told him I was mad, he'd lost my trust, told him that if I was to forgive him it'd take time and he'd have to prove he meant he was sorry. He really poured his heart out to me that night. He was practically passed out, couldn't sit up for more than 5 seconds, kept losing consciousness and all the rest but that's when the truth comes out isn't it? A drunken mind speaks sober truths. He told me he was scared at how much he loved me. He said he could honestly see us being together till we're old in rocking chairs with grandchildren running around out garden. He said that the fact he thinks he's found his soul mate so young (he's 18 in november) is scary, the thought of never being single again is weird even though he doens't want any other girl, just me. He said when he's with me he can always hear his heart going 'Thud' 'Thud' 'Thud' and every kiss feels like the first. He said he's told girls h'es loved them but when he tells me it's different, and he knows now the other times weren't real love. Then he went on to tell me all the things he loves about me.

I met him twice since then, the first time I made sure he knew I was still mad and he wasn't going to get away with it that easily. The second time I told him I was still mad but less because I'd founf out that day that all his friends were betting he'd get with his ex and were trying to make it happen to win the bet and the fact that she was doing the same. I told him the odds were against him and I know people can do bad things when they're drunk, been there, bought the t-shirt. But i'm still going to be hurt and he's going to have to do alot to fix the damage he's done. So we're working it out amoung ourselves because it's our business, no one elses and I prefer it that way because when other people get involved they plant seeds of doubt which fester and ruin the best of things (happened to my last boyfriend, I didn't go a single day without someone, even if i'd never met them before, commenting on how I shouldn't be going out with this guy and eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I regret that ever since but that can't happen this time because my bf is amazing, he gets me, no one gets me! I'm a freak for goodness sake! I've barely any friends who don't think i'm crazy so never mind actually having a bf who loves me.) and my friend who told me about his ex's friend is friends with my bf's friend and he was telling my friend how he can't understand how I haven't broken up with my bf yet and my friend told him to leave it, that it's our business and she's sure I haven't just forgiven him, just that I'm not going to give up on him so easy, that we'll work it out ourselves and whatever we agree on is outr business. That's the way it should be! But nooo I get home today and I have a fb mail from some girl I've never heard of saying "Hi am apparently you know that (insert name here) cheated on you at debs, bit of advice stay away from him before he really hurts you x " That 'x' at the end pisses me off too. I bet she's one of his ex's friends who wants to get my bf back in their creepy little dating friends circle. ick.


So I posted that on PT earlier after that girl emailed me ranting about how I hate when people get involved in other peoples business. Who's she to tell me what to do? Never even heard of the girl.
I get it, what he did was wrong but everyone makes mistakes. I've always said when asked if I'd forgive a cheater that it depends on three things: 1) The severity of it, i.e how long it lasted (if it was a full on affair they can fuck off), what they did (if they had sex he can fuck off too) and if they were honestly really really really drunk i'd go easier but still wouldn't be an excuse. 2) How soon after they told me and if they told me out of their own conscience or because they knew it'd get back to me eventually and knew it'd be better coming from them and 3) What they did after. Actions speak louder than words so they really have to prove they were sorry and regain my trust.

Keith fairly fit into all 3 of those. He only kissed her and he was really drunk and I think safe to say pressured into it and he rang me straight after (I know it was straight after because just after he rang me my friend who said she'd keep an eye out for him text me saying she was sorry but she lost him and her date thinks he just saw him with his ex but they weren't too sure so i'm guessing safely he kissed her, realised what he was doing and ran off outside to ring me. He even left his debs after ringing me and passed out across the road which is where I met him.  And he's promising he'll make it up to me. He even promised to cut down on his drinking, He said drinking that much isn't work it if it makes him do stupid things like that and he doesn't want to risk losing me again so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I'll write more when I learn more because whether he sticks to his word is the important part.

Bye for now =)
xx

I told

I was at my Debs last Thursday (sept 8th) and I went with Keith. Now to anyone who didn't know us you'd think we were going out but he hadn't asked me yet. Granted he'd only broken up with his girlfriend just over a week ago I can understand why he'd didn't rush into it but he'd told me he loves me the day after we met and that was ages ago. But at my Debs, we went outside as it was way too warm outside and we tried to sneak around the side of the hotel to talk alone. The security guard stopped us the first time but as soon as he turned away we ran and hid behind a wall. We got talking and he asked me to be his girlfriend =) I was quite drunk at this stage hopwever and i'm sad that I can't really remember how he asked me, I think he said it really shyly. But of course I said yes and then he gave me a hug and that's when it all came out, It must have been the drink but I told him all about my mom and how I don't wear wristbands to cover my tan line, that the only reason I have a rediculiois tan line to cover is because I wore them constantly in the first place to cover scars. Then I told him I don't do it anymore and that I used to be depressed and I made him promise to give me lots of hugs because I don't get enough.

We met up the next day and he asked me if I remembered telling him my secret and why I never told him about my mom sooner. I told him I wanted to but it's not just something you blurt out and his reply to this made me love him even more (if that's possible), he said "True, not like you'd say "hey i'm Lisa and (here's where I braced myself for him to say "and my mom'd dead! but no, without even pausing he says this) boy have I got a story to tell you" " It might not sound like much but it really made me feel better. I don't regret telling him but I do feel guilty because he asked me if I was still depressed and I told him no but I am, just not as much as before. He kept giving me hugs to and telling me he planned to give me so many hugs I wish i'd never mentioned it. He asked questions, showed interest, wanted to know why I didn't get enough hugs, I couldn't bring myself to tell him how alone I felt and no matter how many hugs I got it wouldn't matter unless they were from the right people and those people don't do hugs...or can't.

At least now if I feel down I can tell him. I should probably tell him I still suffer bouts of depression and sometimes I get down over things that I don't understand, I have no reason and I can't explain it. Maybe then he can just be there for me till it's over, he'd do that. I can't ever tell him about my eating issues though, then he's always be trying to feed me and that would drive us apart and wouldn't help.

So over all I'm glad I confessed, I was worried he wouldn't understand. One question though, this is the second person to know (first found out, seen the cuts and knew what they were since they did it too) but this is also the second guy. I'm seeing a trend. How come I can't tell me friends who are girls? Or even the guys for that matter. The guys who know, I was in a relationship ship with both of them at some point. How come I'm able to have them know but the thought of anyone else finding out is worse than actually cutting?

They might start finding out soon though, no way am I worrying about wearing wrist bands for the rest of my life. As soon as the tan on my arms fade and the area under them doesn't stand out as much I'm stopping wearing them. If people say anything I'll tell them they're battle scars

Which is kind of true =)

xx